Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Four Years Without Him

I've been missing my dad for four years now. This anniversary seems to be a bit harder than the last. I think it's sinking in even farther. I miss his voice, I miss his quirks, I miss his stubbornness, I miss his hugs, I miss his adoration, and I miss his love. Ironically, and I'm sure he's chuckling, but lately I miss his advice the most.  And while there are several things I would love his advice on currently, I do know he would be proud even if I make a decision he wouldn't have made.

The other day I mentioned to someone that I think my son is getting a better parent out of me because I've lost my dad. I do things with my son that he used to do, which I always scoffed at or thought were dorky, because I now realize they are so important. Once again, I'm sure he's up there chuckling and gloating to all of his friends. He was beyond smart on so many levels, many of which I've recognized only after becoming a parent.

I know through small signs that he's still with us. A few days ago my son grabbed a picture of my dad, without knowing who it was, and kissed it. He's never done that before to any picture and I needed that. Whenever I'm having a bad day, the Rolling Stones still somehow come on at just the right time and I rock out, in tears, in my car. Best of all, my son is a spitting image of my dad as a toddler. I love that! I can't forget to mention the numerous dreams he's in. Those are our moments. 

The bottom line is he's still so very missed. Nothing has changed. But our lives are better because he was in them. That will never change either.