Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Three Years

It's been three years since I last spoke with my dad. So much has happened. So much that he missed out on, but yet was somehow such a part of.

Today was the easiest of the past three anniversaries. Partly because I've proven to myself that I still think about him every day, so I feel less pressure to make one day so sentimental. But mainly because I have this new baby that reminds me so much of him. He is this new blank canvas and I can't wait to fill in a few corners with the details, traditions and values I learned from my parents. There's no doubt that having a baby has shifted my focus from sadness to purpose-driven.

Losing my dad hasn't made me love my baby any more than I would have. I would have been this in love regardless. What it has done is make me appreciate every second with him because you just never know. It has also made me appreciate having my mom here. I love sharing this experience with her and reminiscing about her first years of parenthood. I wish I could record her as she recounts those memories and then play those back when my babies have babies. I'm so lucky to have her.

I wish I could know all this and still have him here, but today I recognize that I'm successfully taking my dad along with us as we enjoy this new little life...and I'm doing better.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Mother's Love

The saying goes:. You can't comprehend how much you could love someone until you have a child. While I never doubted this to be true, I had absolutely no idea the magnitude of what that would actually mean. I had no idea the love I was getting myself into until we had our first child in early February.

He is my everything!

Once while I was changing his diaper, things came out of all three holes simultaneously. Yup, he went #1, #2 and spit up all at the same time. And even with all that, he was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. I'm up with him every hour and a half to three hours throughout the night, yet when he naps during the day I can hardly wait for him to wake up. I stare at him as he's asleep, within touching distance, and I actually miss him. If I'm not holding him, I'm not complete.

When I pick him up each morning I'm still amazed at the thought that a few weeks ago he was this intangible part of my life, and 9 months ago he was just a hope - and now here he is. This new existence in the world where once there was nothing. I can't get over how crazy that is. That makes him even more precious.

I have no idea how I'm going to send him off to college. I have no idea how I'm going to send him to preschool. Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to have a babysitter. Only his dad and I are qualified to take care of such an important person.

I simultaneously don't want him to grow up and can't wait for all that is to come. With every outfit he outgrows I secretly cry inside, yet as he begins to possibly smile - on purpose maybe now - I can't help but be excited that he's getting older and becoming even cooler.

I'm officially that crazy new mom - obsessed.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

It's About Time To Announce...

Seeing as I'm 25 weeks I figure it's high time to announce that we're officially expecting our first child, due at the beginning of February. I waited so long partly for superstitious reasons and partly because I've just been so busy spending every waking (and sleeping) hour thinking baby. It's overwhelming in a good way.

To kick off my many more baby posts to come, I thought I would start by divulging my initial symptoms. The ones that clued me in on the fact that I may be pregnant.

You might be pregnant if...
  1. Your dreams are so vivid you wake up in tears, furious with someone, or thinking something actually happened when it didn't
  2. You cry when the guy at Taco Bell gets your order wrong and you don't realize till you get home and it's too late (don't judge my occasional lapses in healthy eating)
  3. You cry while watching fireworks
  4. You cry while watching the Olympics
  5. You cry while watching Kendra, the uber-educational, emotional reality show
  6. You cry because you don't want your dog to die ... because eventually she will...even though she's only 4
  7. You cry because your hubby doesn't think your crying is rational
  8. You cry because you haven't cried in a while
  9. You find yourself hysterically crying and laughing at the same time because you realize how ridiculous your crying really is (noticing a theme)
  10. At dinner time you can't tell if you're hungry, full, have to go to the bathroom, or need to throw up (made for an interesting night out)
  11. You go to the bathroom more in one day than your hubby goes all week (no joke)
  12. You're anxious about everything and nothing and can't make a simple decision to save your life
Legitimately, those were all my early warning signs. I've been really lucky to have absolutely no morning sickness whatsoever though (aside from #10, which wasn't really morning sickness as much as it was indecisiveness), so I'll take the above symptoms any day. My main, overarching symptom that has become the theme of this pregnancy is my incessant need to go to the bathroom. It's really bad. I should own stock in Charmin and I have definitely gotten to know the ins and outs of stopping at public places. Yet, I've been told this is still way better than morning sickness. The jury's still out on that one.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

In The End...

Okay, so I'm admittedly stealing this (in pieces) from The Vampire Diaries, my guilty pleasure, but it hits home. Despite all the positivity I can gleam out of my dad's life and even the way he died, I still have moments of despair resulting from his early passing. Moments where it feels like all is for not and I'm being dumb for filling my thoughts with a hope that just doesn't matter. They don't last long, but they are there, waiting for me in my darker hours.

"Like lighting a candle's going to make everything OK, or even saying a prayer... Stupid, delusional, exasperating...'It makes you feel better'. So what? For how long? A minute, a day? What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. And a rock with a birthday carved into it..."

I can usually push passed it, but sometimes it's there.

Surprisingly, and fittingly, my dad is the one who helps me out of them.