Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Presents From My Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. My sixth one without him. What I wouldn't give to even know what I would be buying him this year. What would he be into or in need of? I'd love to know that.

The past few weeks I've been recognizing that the best gift is one that his death has given me. I can't help thinking lately, especially each night as I lay my kids to sleep, that I am so lucky to know how quickly things could all change. How fast they, or I, could just be gone. It's because of him that I turn around, nearly every night since the birth of my first, and head back into their rooms. To touch their hair, or rub their bellies, or to just stare and give thanks for them one last time that day before I go to bed. Because I know that tomorrow could bring something totally different, completely horrific, utterly devastating - in the blink of an eye.

Is that negative thinking? Absolutely. But I use that fear in a completely positive way. I squeeze every amount of amazing, out of each waking moment, of every day that I have with them. Will I, like every other parent, exclaim that things went by way too fast when they turn 18 and go off to college? Absolutely. But I also know that I don't think I could get anything more out of this magic that is mommyhood. Every kiss they give, every hair pulling hug they offer me I live in slow motion so it can be etched into my soul. I can't fathom what else I could do to be more obsessed with their tiny little beings.

And for that, I obviously have my husband to thank, for working so hard so I can stay home with my babies, my mom to thank, for teaching me by example as she raised her babies, and my dad. My dad, who passed away so far beyond way too early. Who's last days and moments I have broken apart and analyzed and memorized just for the sake of trying to make his life last longer. What I wouldn't give to make it last longer. I have my dad to thank for so many things in my life, but quite possibly the greatest being the knowledge that time, and life, are such precious, precious gifts. For his loss makes me cherish the here and now in such a detailed, broken down, moment-by-moment way.  While I wouldn't wish this kind of loss on anyone, I do have to say it is also one of the greatest gifts a person could be given. Every present I could possibly have given him would seem so pale in comparison. Happy Birthday Daddy!!!

Tonight's dessert: German Chocolate Cupcakes in his honor.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Four Years Without Him

I've been missing my dad for four years now. This anniversary seems to be a bit harder than the last. I think it's sinking in even farther. I miss his voice, I miss his quirks, I miss his stubbornness, I miss his hugs, I miss his adoration, and I miss his love. Ironically, and I'm sure he's chuckling, but lately I miss his advice the most.  And while there are several things I would love his advice on currently, I do know he would be proud even if I make a decision he wouldn't have made.

The other day I mentioned to someone that I think my son is getting a better parent out of me because I've lost my dad. I do things with my son that he used to do, which I always scoffed at or thought were dorky, because I now realize they are so important. Once again, I'm sure he's up there chuckling and gloating to all of his friends. He was beyond smart on so many levels, many of which I've recognized only after becoming a parent.

I know through small signs that he's still with us. A few days ago my son grabbed a picture of my dad, without knowing who it was, and kissed it. He's never done that before to any picture and I needed that. Whenever I'm having a bad day, the Rolling Stones still somehow come on at just the right time and I rock out, in tears, in my car. Best of all, my son is a spitting image of my dad as a toddler. I love that! I can't forget to mention the numerous dreams he's in. Those are our moments. 

The bottom line is he's still so very missed. Nothing has changed. But our lives are better because he was in them. That will never change either. 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I Belong On A Beach

After much contemplation I've come to realize I should be living on a beach, or at least in a beach town. While one could argue that Cleveland is on the water, it doesn't have that beach town feel. Exhibit A: the harsh winters.

I'd be happy in any number of places. Galveston, Malibu, Savannah, Charleston, Cape Cod, you name it. I'm not picky.

Unfortunately, I think I'm stuck here for the time being. But one can dream of beach views, fun activities for kids (the idea of sand-covered babies with hair bleached by the sun is soothing to my soul!), and the decorating ideas!

How much fun would it be to live in this?...

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If we had found out the gender of our little boy before hand, I would have absolutely done a nautical-themed nursery like this one instead of our current, gender-neutral "natural" theme:
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 I even found a great company on Etsy that does inexpensive, beach-themed prints like this:
You can find these prints here:

I can't get enough!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I'm Back, Maybe

So I've been MIA from this whole blog thing for a while - and I could've cared less. I have a 17 month old son and all I've wanted to do since his birth is stare at him, play with him, kiss him and pretty much ignore everything else just to be with him.
He's laughing, and running, and learning Spanish, and torturing the dog, and kissing, and being picky about foods, and sleeping like a champ. He's such an easy, but always busy, 17 month old. He's in a perpetual state of motion, except for when he's sleeping. He's literally the love of my life. I never thought it would be THIS cool. I'm sure the next one will be the opposite of easy, but for now we're in a state of ignorant parental bliss.
I do miss blogging though, so I'm back. I can't promise that there won't be periods of time where my son does something extra adorable, the obsession takes hold, and I neglect the blog, but I'm hoping to be better, so bare with me.
Here we go again...