Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Three Years

It's been three years since I last spoke with my dad. So much has happened. So much that he missed out on, but yet was somehow such a part of.

Today was the easiest of the past three anniversaries. Partly because I've proven to myself that I still think about him every day, so I feel less pressure to make one day so sentimental. But mainly because I have this new baby that reminds me so much of him. He is this new blank canvas and I can't wait to fill in a few corners with the details, traditions and values I learned from my parents. There's no doubt that having a baby has shifted my focus from sadness to purpose-driven.

Losing my dad hasn't made me love my baby any more than I would have. I would have been this in love regardless. What it has done is make me appreciate every second with him because you just never know. It has also made me appreciate having my mom here. I love sharing this experience with her and reminiscing about her first years of parenthood. I wish I could record her as she recounts those memories and then play those back when my babies have babies. I'm so lucky to have her.

I wish I could know all this and still have him here, but today I recognize that I'm successfully taking my dad along with us as we enjoy this new little life...and I'm doing better.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Mother's Love

The saying goes:. You can't comprehend how much you could love someone until you have a child. While I never doubted this to be true, I had absolutely no idea the magnitude of what that would actually mean. I had no idea the love I was getting myself into until we had our first child in early February.

He is my everything!

Once while I was changing his diaper, things came out of all three holes simultaneously. Yup, he went #1, #2 and spit up all at the same time. And even with all that, he was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. I'm up with him every hour and a half to three hours throughout the night, yet when he naps during the day I can hardly wait for him to wake up. I stare at him as he's asleep, within touching distance, and I actually miss him. If I'm not holding him, I'm not complete.

When I pick him up each morning I'm still amazed at the thought that a few weeks ago he was this intangible part of my life, and 9 months ago he was just a hope - and now here he is. This new existence in the world where once there was nothing. I can't get over how crazy that is. That makes him even more precious.

I have no idea how I'm going to send him off to college. I have no idea how I'm going to send him to preschool. Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to have a babysitter. Only his dad and I are qualified to take care of such an important person.

I simultaneously don't want him to grow up and can't wait for all that is to come. With every outfit he outgrows I secretly cry inside, yet as he begins to possibly smile - on purpose maybe now - I can't help but be excited that he's getting older and becoming even cooler.

I'm officially that crazy new mom - obsessed.